Urinal Gyms, Language Skills, and Hustling in The Meadows

I just got back from the gym. It's February 14th, so it was something of a singles night. You can picture the kind of people that were there on Valentine's Day - murderers, lepers, gingers - that sort of thing. Oh, and me. I've been going to the gym a lot actually, three or four times a week, and I can see and feel the difference. I feel more alert and clear-headed, and I don't have the biceps of a four year old girl anymore. That said, I'm still not confident enough to wear the muscle shirt I got for Christmas.

You might think that the gym is a good place to pull, but it's not. For a start, when you go to the gym, you don't dress to impress. You wear the kind of old crap that sits at the bottom of your cupboard, and that you don't mind getting ripped or sweaty. You don't bother putting wax in your hair, because you'll sweat it out and it'll drip into your eyes and sting. Lets not also forget that after a few minutes, you'll be dripping in lovely smelly sweat.

Besides those considerations, the gym isn't even a sociable place. When you're on a cross trainer (my favourite), a bike, or a treadmill (my least favourite), you stare straight ahead and don't make eye contact with anyone - in that respect, it's like a urinal in a rough pub. Assuming that you had enough breath to talk, you wouldn't anyway, because everyone around you has earphones in.

For me, the gym is a necessary evil. I like the benefits I get out of it and I feel better as a result, but I don't actually enjoy the exercise. It's monotonous and boring, so I just take my iPod, put on some energetic metal music, and chug away for an hour or two.

I'm going to be a busy man in the next few months. On March 7th (my birthday) I'm heading out to Dortmund in Germany for the European Poker Tour. Unfortunately I won't be playing - I'll just be part of the PokerStars presence there, helping out and making sure everything goes smoothly. If I get a chance, I'll take a shot at the cash games and try to get somebody to teach me Chinese Poker.

I don't speak a word of German, except for the little I have picked up from pornography ('Ja, ja, ich kommen!') and Rammstein lyrics ('Du. Du hast. Du hast mich.'). Thankfully I will be accompanied by other staff so I won't have to even hail a taxi. Still, the thought of getting lost or being chatted up by a butch German woman terrifies me slightly.

In April I'm heading out to Las Vegas for my first holiday in almost six years. We're staying at the Mirage for two weeks, during which time we plan to play lots of poker (trying out plenty of different rooms in the process), see a show or two, and generally relax. I'm going to invest a reasonable portion of my bankroll in the trip, so I'm a little scared, but I think that if I choose my tables well and get a little lucky I should come back with more green in my pocket than I left with.

In Vegas, I don't expect anyone to even recognise me, so I'm thinking of trying a few silly things. Like sitting down and pretending to be a complete amateur. By that I mean I will:

• Buy in for a completely inappropriate amount, like $10,000 or $20 at a $1/$2 table.
• Keep asking how much I can bet or raise (especially if it's a limit game).
• Wear sunglasses, a baseball cap, and a t-shirt with a poker slogan on it, like 'All-In'.
• Say 'reraise' when I mean 'raise' or 'bet'. In fact, never say 'bet' or 'raise' at all. Just 'reraise'.
• Look scared. A lot.
• Think for ages before folding Q-8 offsuit to a raise before the flop, then show it to the person next to me, expecting a 'Nice laydown' comment.
• Use a specially designed card protector instead of a chip (or just holding onto the bloody cards).
• Make it extremely clear that I'm British.
• Call it No Limit Texas Hold'em. When was the last time you heard a pro call it that?
• Even better, call it Unlimited Texas Holdon.
• Handle my chips like they are grenades.
• String bet. A lot. 'I see your $10. And I reraise you $2'.
• On a board with five hearts, say 'Have you got the straight?'.

In any case, it should be fun. I'm making a 'To Do' list for Vegas, which so far includes winning a poker tournament, seeing some strippers, having my photo taken in front of the Bellagio Fountains, and getting Chinese food at the Golden Nugget (which comes highly recommended).

I asked one of my students for his thoughts on Vegas. He wrote back an extremely amusing message. One of the highlights was this:

Remember that many of the women that choose Vegas do so intending to walk on the wild side. Also remember that for the most part subtlety will be lost on them. When in doubt betting the hand heavily is probably your best play. Suggesting to an American girl that seems interested and has had a few drinks that you two should go fuck is not a bad play. In fact I'd say when in doubt it is often the best play ... particularly if you simply assume she'll be saying yes and start leading her to the door/elevator/whatever. Its Vegas and a bit of crudeness can trump polite.

I told him that Vegas just sounds like any British city on a weekend, and (continuing the poker / sex analogy) that I am getting rather tired of the quick thrill of Sit & Gos, and am longing for the slow, comfortable grind of cash games.

I'll be making a second stop in Vegas in June / July, for the World Series of Poker. I've already won one seat in a preliminary event. Inside Poker hosted a freeroll with the $5000 prize package going to the winner - I outlasted 423 opponents in Limit Hold'em of all games to win. The editor of the magazine watched as I came from nowhere to win, and was impressed. I'll shortly be signing an exclusive contract with the magazine, to write for them every month. Of course this means that I won't be able to play any further freerolls - but that's a small sacrifice to make.

I was planning to go to the WSOP this year anyway, but this will save me a lot of money and effort. I'll try to play a couple of other events - a Razz and a No Limit Hold'em at least, or maybe a HORSE - and hopefully the main event also. It partly depends on how much time I can get off work, and whether my bankroll is big enough to support the entry fees.

The next few months are going to be exciting, and I can't wait. If you have suggestions for my 'To Do' list, let me know.